It’s October – spooky month – and that means I plan to focus my reviews on the Horror genre. I’m not really a fan of Horror movies, so I’m probably rather unqualified to do this, but what can I do? I gots to review. There are some great Horror films out there, don’t get me wrong, but the majority of them are too indulgent on what gets audiences – jump scares, gore – to the point where their stories are diluted.

This is my first foray into reviewing Horror, and I thought I should start with one of the oddest films I’ve seen in the genre. Bubba Ho-Tep.

The one-line pitch for this movie is as follows: A geriatric Elvis (still alive and hiding as an impersonator of himself) and a black man who is convinced he’s John F. Kennedy have to save their nursing home from a southern Mummy. Think about that for a second, reread it if you have to. Come on, you know you want to see it.

Maybe it’s because of that crazy hook that the movie felt more disappointing while watching it. It had so much going for it, in theory. I love the totally bonkers premise. I love Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis (Elvis and JFK respectively). I honestly love the soundtrack. But when it comes down to it, Bubba Ho-Tep is not a good movie. Not even in the campy-sorta way. I’m sure this comes as a shock to all of you.

The biggest issue with the movie is a subplot explaining how Elvis came to impersonate himself and why he has another name, Sebastian Haff. It takes up way too much time and derails the pacing of the movie, all for a joke that needed maybe two sentences to set up. While watching these scenes, I contemplated what could have made them seem necessary to the filmmakers. Really, what I suspect it is, is there isn’t enough story involving the mummy to warrant a full-length movie, so they had to pad the runtime with this backstory. We don’t even get a backstory for JFK’s transformation to a Black man, which would have been much more interesting.

I also don’t care for the director, Don Coscarelli. Other films to his credit are the Phantasm movies and The Beastmaster. If you’ve seen those movies, surely you understand what I’m getting at. Coscarelli is good with minimal budgets, but he’s less consistent with pacing and editing. It makes his films hard to watch and Bubba Ho-Tep is no exception to those tendencies.

A scene where a lady is confronted by a scarab and the last 15-20 minutes (the confrontation with Bubba Ho-Tep) are quite well-done and enjoyable, especially seeing Campbell’s Elvis coming to JFK’s rescue in a motorized wheelchair, but it’s not enough to rescue the film. If you’re a fan of schlock or enjoy watching bad movies for the irony, maybe give Bubba Ho-Tep a try. I’m sure some of you will find something in the movie to latch onto. Otherwise, you’re better off watching something – anything – else. In fact, you’re probably better off not watching anything at all.